Thursday, October 21, 2010

"it's like taking a guess when the only answer is yes"

last night i was brought to my knees, if you will, by the magnitude of god's provision. i'm not talking things or money, but answers to prayers, silenced insecurities, a pervasive yes when everything is screaming no.
i am sure this journey began long before i am choosing to pinpoint, but for simplicity's sake i am choosing a moment. at some point in college i realized or was told or out of desperation started praying about my fears and insecurities, mostly regarding the future. i saw god's heart for even my smallest doubts and began to continually offer those up to him. as time went on i clearly saw his answers. how could i doubt a god who constantly delivers?
then we moved to alabama. prior to this move my most consistent prayer was for a good church community. we were met with not only a good church but a church that went light years past my expectations. a church that asked the same questions i asked, that didn't offer tradition as the answer, that lived and worked and fought unapologetically for christ to be known. once again, god had answered an emphatic yes to my prayers.
and then i was overcome by that no. the one that reminded me alabama is only temporary. this cant always be my church. god can't always answer yes.
and without my prompting god whispered in my ear that yes, he can always answer yes. no i cant stay here forever, and no this will not be the church i raise my kids in, but yes there is something more. something better. when i thought of losing this church it felt like something was saying no, god cant [dot dot dot]. but then god said yes. he can. always. he led us to this church, did he not? why cant he lead us to a new one? to something even better.

note: i am not implying god always answers yes to our requests. in fact, i think he often says no to those in order to say yes to our hearts desires. even when (especially when) we don't know what those are.

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